I killed that spider

He came over tonight. We talked. I cried. I'm staying in the apartment. He's off to live his own new adventure elsewhere.

I feel incredibly blessed to have been able to enjoy him in my life. I don't want to go into much detail about the happenings of tonight because I feel like a broken record. I was dreading seeing him again because of the unraveling it might have caused me. I did unravel a bit. I figured as much. Seeing your ex boyfriend for the first time after he becomes, well, the 'ex' is hard. But he was strong and sweet and understanding. I'm truly sad things didn't work out between us.

Although things are still hard and I'm only beginning to see the proverbial light at the end of this long, singular tunnel, I'm going to make a conscious effort to send him some love every time I think about him.

So, I'm currently reading Eat, Pray, Love. I began reading it about a month ago but had to put it down because of the internal struggle it was causing me. I got about halfway through the book and had to put it down because of the stress it was causing. Knowing that I needed to end things with Justin and reading a book about a woman who left her husband was hard. I am now just able to pick it up again. There is this excerpt in the book that is really interesting --

"...a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake."

I love this.

I don't want to date anyone again. I mean, not ever again, but not until I'm done with school and get into the Peace Corps. I feel like a year and a half isn't too terribly long to be single, especially being 21. I've never been the kind of girl to need to be in a relationship, but rather wanted to be in one because I love that companionship. I love to be loved. I love to love. But I want to receive that fulfillment through friends, family, and myself. I feel empowered with the realization of this. I want to work on myself from the inside out. Become a woman who is confident, who can stand on her own, and who can be balanced and loving. I want to be a better friend, daughter, family member, acquaintance, student. I want to get my shit together and have fun and go out and live life on my own terms for a while. I want to discover the power I have inside of me and the beauty I can possess and also see that beauty in other people.

This is a really difficult time for me, yes. But I can feel the electricity and excitement flowing through me. Not to say I didn't feel that before, but now it's actualized in a different way. I'm going to go out and learn the hard way. I'm going to learn to love myself as just myself and not as a connective piece to someone else.

So today was rough but necessary. I dreaded seeing Justin all day, had that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. And now it's over with. I am still alive, breathing, thinking about the future. Still the same little girl I've always been but now alone. By choice.

And I killed that spider. So fuck you, spider. I am woman. And I will prevail.