I can be alone, yeah. I can watch a sunset on my own.

I've spent the day painting, writing, reading, researching, communicating. I have spent this entire Sunday relishing in the deliciousness of creation and exploration.

Somedays, words can only do so much. I can only translate what I think and feel to a certain extent before those words break away. Leave it empty and hollow.

But the act of painting overflows me. It allows me to entertain different emotions in a new way. It's the key that unlocks what I've been waiting to discover inside myself. It's my little bit of fairy tale.

The past weeks have been nuts. They have been embarrassing, challenging, silly, hilarious, beautiful. And I've done them on my own. For the first time in my adult life I have lived alone, felt lonely, cried obnoxiously, been rejected, been chased, given phone numbers and received phone numbers, scratched out phone numbers and deleted them from my phone, I have made amends with myself and with others. I have watched uncountable hours of television. I have come to the realization that I am an awkward person: that people aren't necessarily charmed by my quirky/weird-o ways. That I live so far deep inside my head that sometimes I can't hear what's going on around me. I can't pick up on the subtle hints that people lay before me. I am sex crazed and still growing into my own skin. So sex is not on the agenda. It can't be. Because I need to be ok with me. But I'm excited for when I'm ok. And it's not that I'm not 'ok' right now, but I could be a little more 'ok'. Maybe I'm saying this because things haven't turned out as I planned with prospects. But really, I'm taking it as a sign. A divine sign that is blatantly saying "be ALONE!". So...fine. I'll be alone for gods-sakes.

I have also learned to laugh. Because what the hell else am I suppose to do?

Suddenly dark and complicated.

So I took a bit of a break from blogging. So sue me.

I don't really know where to start. I mean, things are about the same. I've been feeling a little under the weather but I'm assuming it's been from this flu bug that's been floating around.

I've been really busy with class, too. Unfortunately I kind of hate it. There are things I like about it but also things I really, really don't like. It's the first time that they have taught this class at USF so we're kind of the guinea pigs. Things are out of order and sometimes I don't understand what the hell is going on. Not to mention the hassle of attending the symphony yesterday and then the damn dinner theatre today. The roads were terrible and the performance wasn't great. And feeling queasy and sweaty the whole time didn't help.

The upside to this lame class is that the week went by incredibly fast. I don't like interim. It's such a weird filler and January has never been the best month for me. I guess I'm just excited for February to start so I can start my semester and then finish and then enjoy summer.

I've talked to Justin a bit, too. We texted back and forth on Friday night which was a mistake because I was drinking and I think he was, too. Nothing weird happened or anything. I just think that it's too soon to start talking so casually. It made me confused. He's really honest with the way he's been feeling recently. I want him to be honest with me, but it's still hard to hear those things especially when I'm the one who made him feel that way. It's like I want to fix it, fix him. But I can't. It makes me second guess my decision even though deep down I know I did the right thing.

I really want to be his friend. That sounds so stupid. But it's like, I don't want him out of my life. Maybe that's selfish. I know it's selfish. I guess I just hope he wants me in his life, too. I just don't know if I'm ready yet. We'd have to start all over. From the beginning. Where we would have get reacquainted as friends and not as a couple. That takes a lot of strength that I'm just not sure I have.

I need to start writing poetry again. I need to get this all out. I tried the other day after class. The sun was shining and I got home early from learning about stupid things. It just hurt too much and my words seem so trite and unreliable. They don't seem as bright and powerful as they did before. I know I'll get the knack back, as soon as I find my footing. I need to paint and do yoga. Cut back on constantly chain smoking. Stop getting these terrible stomach aches and shakes, stop watching movies like Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. I'm better than this shit.

One of my professors for this class did say something the other day that really made me think. She asked us what our favorite new album of 2010 was. I couldn't think of anything. I hadn't really listened to anything new. I just listen to whatever has moved me in the past. She seemed offended that no one had grown in their musical taste. She asked us how we are ever supposed to grow if we're not allowing ourselves to be influenced by new things, even with small things like music. So I got some new music. I cleaned the kitchen to it tonight. It was cathartic and exciting. But a little scary. It's pretty sad that I'm scared to change the littlest things, like the c.d. in my car. But it was a first step.

Once your secrets are out in the open, you don't have to hide behind them

New Years Eve was complete with new beginnings, happy drunk meanderings, and careless chatter. I had a small handful of friends over to my apartment and we toasted and laughed. My mother and her boyfriend also joined us. It was wonderful.

Right now I'm laying in bed, watching The Science of Sleep. Later I'm going to hang out with Courtney and then to bed I will go. I start class tomorrow. I'm excited but also a little depressed because I'd much rather lay in bed all day, go to work, and hang out with friends.

This break has been good. Two solid weeks of unadulterated fun. But these two weeks have also felt like an eternity. I don't do well with down time. That sounds so silly to say, but I function better when I'm busy. It helps me move on and keep moving. I'm also excited to get back on my regular schedule of going to bed early, waking up early, and getting things done during the day time. My back is starting to hurt from laying in bed all the time.

Today I went to lunch with my aunt and then went on an afternoon drive. I listened to Pete Yorn and had a wonderful time by my lonesome. I am beginning to relish these times being all alone. I thought that after the breakup I would be alone a whole lot more. I'm not complaining about seeing my friends and family and being social, but I never got around to finishing the book or studying for the Praxis. I still have another month before the semester starts but I'm sure I'll be busy trying to keep up my interim class and seeing friends before they head back to their respective home-away-from-homes. I'm sure once I get into the swing of things again I'll be longing for this time.

"Waiting for a bottle of truth. I'm just a lonely girl in my youth."

Anyways, I feel a little bland. Dull. I have for a while now. These wanderings of my brain on this blog are incredibly lackluster. Oh well. It is what it is.