Somedays, words can only do so much. I can only translate what I think and feel to a certain extent before those words break away. Leave it empty and hollow.
But the act of painting overflows me. It allows me to entertain different emotions in a new way. It's the key that unlocks what I've been waiting to discover inside myself. It's my little bit of fairy tale.
The past weeks have been nuts. They have been embarrassing, challenging, silly, hilarious, beautiful. And I've done them on my own. For the first time in my adult life I have lived alone, felt lonely, cried obnoxiously, been rejected, been chased, given phone numbers and received phone numbers, scratched out phone numbers and deleted them from my phone, I have made amends with myself and with others. I have watched uncountable hours of television. I have come to the realization that I am an awkward person: that people aren't necessarily charmed by my quirky/weird-o ways. That I live so far deep inside my head that sometimes I can't hear what's going on around me. I can't pick up on the subtle hints that people lay before me. I am sex crazed and still growing into my own skin. So sex is not on the agenda. It can't be. Because I need to be ok with me. But I'm excited for when I'm ok. And it's not that I'm not 'ok' right now, but I could be a little more 'ok'. Maybe I'm saying this because things haven't turned out as I planned with prospects. But really, I'm taking it as a sign. A divine sign that is blatantly saying "be ALONE!". So...fine. I'll be alone for gods-sakes.
I have also learned to laugh. Because what the hell else am I suppose to do?
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