I can be alone, yeah. I can watch a sunset on my own.

I've spent the day painting, writing, reading, researching, communicating. I have spent this entire Sunday relishing in the deliciousness of creation and exploration.

Somedays, words can only do so much. I can only translate what I think and feel to a certain extent before those words break away. Leave it empty and hollow.

But the act of painting overflows me. It allows me to entertain different emotions in a new way. It's the key that unlocks what I've been waiting to discover inside myself. It's my little bit of fairy tale.

The past weeks have been nuts. They have been embarrassing, challenging, silly, hilarious, beautiful. And I've done them on my own. For the first time in my adult life I have lived alone, felt lonely, cried obnoxiously, been rejected, been chased, given phone numbers and received phone numbers, scratched out phone numbers and deleted them from my phone, I have made amends with myself and with others. I have watched uncountable hours of television. I have come to the realization that I am an awkward person: that people aren't necessarily charmed by my quirky/weird-o ways. That I live so far deep inside my head that sometimes I can't hear what's going on around me. I can't pick up on the subtle hints that people lay before me. I am sex crazed and still growing into my own skin. So sex is not on the agenda. It can't be. Because I need to be ok with me. But I'm excited for when I'm ok. And it's not that I'm not 'ok' right now, but I could be a little more 'ok'. Maybe I'm saying this because things haven't turned out as I planned with prospects. But really, I'm taking it as a sign. A divine sign that is blatantly saying "be ALONE!". So...fine. I'll be alone for gods-sakes.

I have also learned to laugh. Because what the hell else am I suppose to do?

Suddenly dark and complicated.

So I took a bit of a break from blogging. So sue me.

I don't really know where to start. I mean, things are about the same. I've been feeling a little under the weather but I'm assuming it's been from this flu bug that's been floating around.

I've been really busy with class, too. Unfortunately I kind of hate it. There are things I like about it but also things I really, really don't like. It's the first time that they have taught this class at USF so we're kind of the guinea pigs. Things are out of order and sometimes I don't understand what the hell is going on. Not to mention the hassle of attending the symphony yesterday and then the damn dinner theatre today. The roads were terrible and the performance wasn't great. And feeling queasy and sweaty the whole time didn't help.

The upside to this lame class is that the week went by incredibly fast. I don't like interim. It's such a weird filler and January has never been the best month for me. I guess I'm just excited for February to start so I can start my semester and then finish and then enjoy summer.

I've talked to Justin a bit, too. We texted back and forth on Friday night which was a mistake because I was drinking and I think he was, too. Nothing weird happened or anything. I just think that it's too soon to start talking so casually. It made me confused. He's really honest with the way he's been feeling recently. I want him to be honest with me, but it's still hard to hear those things especially when I'm the one who made him feel that way. It's like I want to fix it, fix him. But I can't. It makes me second guess my decision even though deep down I know I did the right thing.

I really want to be his friend. That sounds so stupid. But it's like, I don't want him out of my life. Maybe that's selfish. I know it's selfish. I guess I just hope he wants me in his life, too. I just don't know if I'm ready yet. We'd have to start all over. From the beginning. Where we would have get reacquainted as friends and not as a couple. That takes a lot of strength that I'm just not sure I have.

I need to start writing poetry again. I need to get this all out. I tried the other day after class. The sun was shining and I got home early from learning about stupid things. It just hurt too much and my words seem so trite and unreliable. They don't seem as bright and powerful as they did before. I know I'll get the knack back, as soon as I find my footing. I need to paint and do yoga. Cut back on constantly chain smoking. Stop getting these terrible stomach aches and shakes, stop watching movies like Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. I'm better than this shit.

One of my professors for this class did say something the other day that really made me think. She asked us what our favorite new album of 2010 was. I couldn't think of anything. I hadn't really listened to anything new. I just listen to whatever has moved me in the past. She seemed offended that no one had grown in their musical taste. She asked us how we are ever supposed to grow if we're not allowing ourselves to be influenced by new things, even with small things like music. So I got some new music. I cleaned the kitchen to it tonight. It was cathartic and exciting. But a little scary. It's pretty sad that I'm scared to change the littlest things, like the c.d. in my car. But it was a first step.

Once your secrets are out in the open, you don't have to hide behind them

New Years Eve was complete with new beginnings, happy drunk meanderings, and careless chatter. I had a small handful of friends over to my apartment and we toasted and laughed. My mother and her boyfriend also joined us. It was wonderful.

Right now I'm laying in bed, watching The Science of Sleep. Later I'm going to hang out with Courtney and then to bed I will go. I start class tomorrow. I'm excited but also a little depressed because I'd much rather lay in bed all day, go to work, and hang out with friends.

This break has been good. Two solid weeks of unadulterated fun. But these two weeks have also felt like an eternity. I don't do well with down time. That sounds so silly to say, but I function better when I'm busy. It helps me move on and keep moving. I'm also excited to get back on my regular schedule of going to bed early, waking up early, and getting things done during the day time. My back is starting to hurt from laying in bed all the time.

Today I went to lunch with my aunt and then went on an afternoon drive. I listened to Pete Yorn and had a wonderful time by my lonesome. I am beginning to relish these times being all alone. I thought that after the breakup I would be alone a whole lot more. I'm not complaining about seeing my friends and family and being social, but I never got around to finishing the book or studying for the Praxis. I still have another month before the semester starts but I'm sure I'll be busy trying to keep up my interim class and seeing friends before they head back to their respective home-away-from-homes. I'm sure once I get into the swing of things again I'll be longing for this time.

"Waiting for a bottle of truth. I'm just a lonely girl in my youth."

Anyways, I feel a little bland. Dull. I have for a while now. These wanderings of my brain on this blog are incredibly lackluster. Oh well. It is what it is.

Sparkling with wit, beauty and heartfelt wisom

I had the dentist appointment this morning and everything went really well. No cavities but I do have a cracked tooth and that's why one of my molars has been so sensitive to hot and cold. :( It's going to cost me a pretty penny, but I need to get it taken care of, eventually. Maybe not as soon as I'd like but hopefully within the next couple of months.

Since then I've gotten quite a bit of stuff done around the house. I did the dishes, changed the garbage, and showered. I even changed light bulbs in the kitchen and foyer area! I put away my laundry and put on makeup even though I probably won't leave the house tonight. The streets are apparently quite icy and I don't really want to do anything besides lay in bed, read, and watch Say Yes to the Dress.

I'm awesome, no?

I got a few of my textbooks in the mail today. I can't wait to read Their Eyes Were Watching God for my Later American Lit class. I can't believe that after this Lit class, I only have one more English class to take before I fulfill my English requirements. I'm kind of sad because Literature is my passion but I'm also excited to begin all of my education classes and then graduate and student teach! And then go into the Peace Corps and then do grad school and so on and so forth. I'm just really excited for this next semester to start.

The interim class that starts on Monday would be really exciting if it were a lecture class. I'm one of those weird ones who love to sit in class and lose myself in thoughts and notes and the professor's explanations and insights. I don't really like doing group projects or other things like that. This class I'm taking is going to be halfway in the classroom and halfway around Sioux Falls and the surrounding area. We'll be going to the Pavillion for an art exhibit, the Symphony, a dinner theatre, and so on. I love to do all of those things, but on my own time. I want to do those things with people I know and who appreciate it. Not a bunch of strangers. Who knows, maybe the class will surprise me.

Things on the break-up front are going better and better. I kind of felt lonely today and started to miss Justin because he usually had Thursdays off and we would hang out. Sadly, I was alone. I should really get out of the house because I'm feeling a little down. But I'm so tired. I didn't sleep well again last night and had to wake up early for the dentist. Plus, that would mean I would have to get dressed and go start my car to thaw it out of the ice block that I'm sure it's in.

Oh well. Tomorrow is New Year's so I'll definitely have no choice but to go out. For now, I'm going to eat some pizza and get under my covers, read, and watch this preposterous television show.

Ciao.

I don't give a good god damn

Today was a blah day.

I've started thinking about the New Year's resolution. Something I always attempt to do (like every other American) and end up failing miserably.

This year it's gonna be different.

Not because I'm going to succeed, but because I'm resolving to live fully. I'm gonna do what I want to do. And fuck the rest. So it's nothing in particular...just a new way of life.

Right now it's 1:36 a.m. and I have dentist appointment tomorrow. Bummer. I'm also watching Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. LOVE.

I'm tired but hate trying to fall asleep.

I went to dinner with Lisa and then to DQ for a Blizzard. Then to Lisa's house for a beer while we listened to Peter Yorn.

I'm really excited to have her in my life this semester. Since she graduated and will be living in Sioux Falls, I'll finally have a partner in crime that I enjoy. :)

I definitely have the blahs today. Nothing's wrong (except for the usual) or anything. I think it could be due to a few things:

1) My interim class starts on Monday

2) I'm constantly tired because sleeping has been difficult

3) It was cloudy today

4) I had to ask Justin to pay his share of this month's rent...even though he's not living here...and I broke up with him...and it's a fucking shitty thing to do. I will pay him back by the end of January, but still. It's not the most pleasant thing to ask of your ex-boyfriend who is probably trying to forget about your existence.

5) Did I mention I'm exhausted?

I also need to start studying for my Praxis II. Not exciting. I need to figure out the money situation for the next couple of months. I need to figure out something to do for New Year's. I need to sleeeeep.

I also want to hang out with all of my friends before they leave and go back to their college homes. I pretty much have seen everyone but it never feels like I see them enough while they're back. I know they have their own lives and people to see, but I just want to hang out with them and love them and stay here forever even though I know they can't. That is a separate kind of heartbreak that lives on, no matter how much time passes.

I need to stop chain smoking.

And casually drinking. It hurts my bank account and my tummy.

I need to finish this book.

I need to do the dishes (still).

I need to not have any cavities tomorrow at the dentist.

Good-night.

I killed that spider

He came over tonight. We talked. I cried. I'm staying in the apartment. He's off to live his own new adventure elsewhere.

I feel incredibly blessed to have been able to enjoy him in my life. I don't want to go into much detail about the happenings of tonight because I feel like a broken record. I was dreading seeing him again because of the unraveling it might have caused me. I did unravel a bit. I figured as much. Seeing your ex boyfriend for the first time after he becomes, well, the 'ex' is hard. But he was strong and sweet and understanding. I'm truly sad things didn't work out between us.

Although things are still hard and I'm only beginning to see the proverbial light at the end of this long, singular tunnel, I'm going to make a conscious effort to send him some love every time I think about him.

So, I'm currently reading Eat, Pray, Love. I began reading it about a month ago but had to put it down because of the internal struggle it was causing me. I got about halfway through the book and had to put it down because of the stress it was causing. Knowing that I needed to end things with Justin and reading a book about a woman who left her husband was hard. I am now just able to pick it up again. There is this excerpt in the book that is really interesting --

"...a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake."

I love this.

I don't want to date anyone again. I mean, not ever again, but not until I'm done with school and get into the Peace Corps. I feel like a year and a half isn't too terribly long to be single, especially being 21. I've never been the kind of girl to need to be in a relationship, but rather wanted to be in one because I love that companionship. I love to be loved. I love to love. But I want to receive that fulfillment through friends, family, and myself. I feel empowered with the realization of this. I want to work on myself from the inside out. Become a woman who is confident, who can stand on her own, and who can be balanced and loving. I want to be a better friend, daughter, family member, acquaintance, student. I want to get my shit together and have fun and go out and live life on my own terms for a while. I want to discover the power I have inside of me and the beauty I can possess and also see that beauty in other people.

This is a really difficult time for me, yes. But I can feel the electricity and excitement flowing through me. Not to say I didn't feel that before, but now it's actualized in a different way. I'm going to go out and learn the hard way. I'm going to learn to love myself as just myself and not as a connective piece to someone else.

So today was rough but necessary. I dreaded seeing Justin all day, had that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. And now it's over with. I am still alive, breathing, thinking about the future. Still the same little girl I've always been but now alone. By choice.

And I killed that spider. So fuck you, spider. I am woman. And I will prevail.

Fucking spiders

Ok so today went ten thousand times better than I originally planned it to go. No crying, no wailing like a banshee. Just calm. Guilt, yes. But calm. I'm going out with Corbin and Dan tonight so that should be fun or, at the very least, an excuse to leave the house. That's one thing about this whole mess. I never really left the apartment as it were, but he did. Often. He always had someplace to go or someone to see. Usually The Room, but nevertheless, it was somewhere to go.

Now, I don't really see the necessity. But I know I need to.

Right now I'm sitting in the bed, where I've been hiding out for the past 4 days or so, waiting for 10 p.m. to come which is when I'm meeting the boys for drinks. I need to do dishes, laundry, and clean but I don't really feel the motivation to do any of it. I'd rather sit here, collect my thoughts, and blog. :)

I wish I could construct my thoughts in a more eloquent and engaging way. But it all kind of spills out of me. And onto this computer screen or my journal. That's okay, right? It's okay to just...ramble. I think it's okay, anyways.

So I'm going to ramble - today I woke up at 10:30. Talked to Lisa and made plans for Wednesday night. I made a pot of coffee and drank it all. Smoked two cigarettes. Took a shower and actually put on makeup and blow-dried/straightened my hair. I got dressed and noticed that my clothes are fitting a little looser than they were, say, a week ago. Despite my rampant devouring of everything yesterday, the days prior to that I didn't have much of an appetite. Weird huh? Maybe not so weird. But sad.

I got to work and was pleasantly surprised that I was happy to be there. Getting my mind off of this tragedy was really wonderful, even if I hate my job. It's still something to do. I even considered picking up overtime this week. But I decided against it. I would still rather beach than work. Har har. I got off an hour and fifteen minutes early. Which is why I'm currently blogging and not still working. I ate two chicken patties (which are Justin's) and drank his Dr. Pepper. Even after this bullshit I'm still stealing his food. I'm terrible.

I want to talk to him and apologize. Just say that I'm sorry for everything and that I want to be his friend someday. Not now or maybe not even in a couple of months, but someday. Whether or not that will actually happen is beyond me. But I'm definitely not against trying. Friendship is a two way street and for him to accept my friendship is something that I cannot determine. In my perfect, Erin-centered world, I would get over the heartbreak and then move directly into friendship with him because he's a really cool guy. I'm not just saying that, either. He is genuinely an awesome man. I feel like our friendship could be something that I could cherish and love forever. But who knows when he would be over everything and if he even wants to be my friend after all of this. Considering my past with boys and boyfriends...they don't really want to have anything to do with me after the fact. But maybe this one will be different. Maybe. But I'm not banking on it, as sad as that is.

This week I've pretty much filled up with activities. Tomorrow I'm hanging out with Sarah, Wednesday - Lisa, Thursday - who knows but I'll find something to do, then Friday - New Year's Eve and I plan on spending it with Danielle and her boyfriend Toby. Maybe Courtney but she has a new boyfriend and I'm sure she'll probably want to spend it with him.

Then Saturday is New Year's Day and I hope that I feel strong enough to get things cleaned/Justin and I have come to some conclusion about the living situation. I haven't talked to him today and I won't.

I had a dream about him last night. We were driving and it was summertime. He handed me a large sum of money and then I asked him if he wanted to be my boyfriend. He said no. Then I woke up.

Sign?

The money part is clear -- I'm broke and scared about financially supporting myself while living in this apartment alone. If that's what he chooses.

The fact that he said no to my request for his 'hand' -- well, I don't know about that one. Is it me subconsciously regretting my decision to end things? Is he over it already? Were we never meant to be together in the first place? Shit, son. I may just be crazy.

He was beautiful and calm in my dream. Said 'no' very matter-of-fact-ly. But not in a mean way. Just a very clear, honest way. I wasn't sad after he said 'no' either. Maybe it's just me beginning my descent into closure.

For some reason though I don't see the closure coming any time soon. Especially once we finally see each other after all of this. It's going to open up wounds and tear apart all of my attempts of suturing up those wounds. It could all come unraveling. And I'm quite certain it will. Because that's the way things are.

Now I'm watching a spider circle my overhead light in my bedroom. Wondering who will kill that spider. Not him. Because he's not here anymore. I'll have to kill it. Goddamn it.

The spider is now on its second lap around the light. What the fuck is it doing? Waiting to feed on my flesh because I cleaned up its webs? Making a nest? Just trying to kill me? Fuck, who cares.

I just tried to kill it and failed. Now it's gone forever...ready to kill me at any moment.