I don't give a good god damn

Today was a blah day.

I've started thinking about the New Year's resolution. Something I always attempt to do (like every other American) and end up failing miserably.

This year it's gonna be different.

Not because I'm going to succeed, but because I'm resolving to live fully. I'm gonna do what I want to do. And fuck the rest. So it's nothing in particular...just a new way of life.

Right now it's 1:36 a.m. and I have dentist appointment tomorrow. Bummer. I'm also watching Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. LOVE.

I'm tired but hate trying to fall asleep.

I went to dinner with Lisa and then to DQ for a Blizzard. Then to Lisa's house for a beer while we listened to Peter Yorn.

I'm really excited to have her in my life this semester. Since she graduated and will be living in Sioux Falls, I'll finally have a partner in crime that I enjoy. :)

I definitely have the blahs today. Nothing's wrong (except for the usual) or anything. I think it could be due to a few things:

1) My interim class starts on Monday

2) I'm constantly tired because sleeping has been difficult

3) It was cloudy today

4) I had to ask Justin to pay his share of this month's rent...even though he's not living here...and I broke up with him...and it's a fucking shitty thing to do. I will pay him back by the end of January, but still. It's not the most pleasant thing to ask of your ex-boyfriend who is probably trying to forget about your existence.

5) Did I mention I'm exhausted?

I also need to start studying for my Praxis II. Not exciting. I need to figure out the money situation for the next couple of months. I need to figure out something to do for New Year's. I need to sleeeeep.

I also want to hang out with all of my friends before they leave and go back to their college homes. I pretty much have seen everyone but it never feels like I see them enough while they're back. I know they have their own lives and people to see, but I just want to hang out with them and love them and stay here forever even though I know they can't. That is a separate kind of heartbreak that lives on, no matter how much time passes.

I need to stop chain smoking.

And casually drinking. It hurts my bank account and my tummy.

I need to finish this book.

I need to do the dishes (still).

I need to not have any cavities tomorrow at the dentist.

Good-night.

I killed that spider

He came over tonight. We talked. I cried. I'm staying in the apartment. He's off to live his own new adventure elsewhere.

I feel incredibly blessed to have been able to enjoy him in my life. I don't want to go into much detail about the happenings of tonight because I feel like a broken record. I was dreading seeing him again because of the unraveling it might have caused me. I did unravel a bit. I figured as much. Seeing your ex boyfriend for the first time after he becomes, well, the 'ex' is hard. But he was strong and sweet and understanding. I'm truly sad things didn't work out between us.

Although things are still hard and I'm only beginning to see the proverbial light at the end of this long, singular tunnel, I'm going to make a conscious effort to send him some love every time I think about him.

So, I'm currently reading Eat, Pray, Love. I began reading it about a month ago but had to put it down because of the internal struggle it was causing me. I got about halfway through the book and had to put it down because of the stress it was causing. Knowing that I needed to end things with Justin and reading a book about a woman who left her husband was hard. I am now just able to pick it up again. There is this excerpt in the book that is really interesting --

"...a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake."

I love this.

I don't want to date anyone again. I mean, not ever again, but not until I'm done with school and get into the Peace Corps. I feel like a year and a half isn't too terribly long to be single, especially being 21. I've never been the kind of girl to need to be in a relationship, but rather wanted to be in one because I love that companionship. I love to be loved. I love to love. But I want to receive that fulfillment through friends, family, and myself. I feel empowered with the realization of this. I want to work on myself from the inside out. Become a woman who is confident, who can stand on her own, and who can be balanced and loving. I want to be a better friend, daughter, family member, acquaintance, student. I want to get my shit together and have fun and go out and live life on my own terms for a while. I want to discover the power I have inside of me and the beauty I can possess and also see that beauty in other people.

This is a really difficult time for me, yes. But I can feel the electricity and excitement flowing through me. Not to say I didn't feel that before, but now it's actualized in a different way. I'm going to go out and learn the hard way. I'm going to learn to love myself as just myself and not as a connective piece to someone else.

So today was rough but necessary. I dreaded seeing Justin all day, had that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. And now it's over with. I am still alive, breathing, thinking about the future. Still the same little girl I've always been but now alone. By choice.

And I killed that spider. So fuck you, spider. I am woman. And I will prevail.

Fucking spiders

Ok so today went ten thousand times better than I originally planned it to go. No crying, no wailing like a banshee. Just calm. Guilt, yes. But calm. I'm going out with Corbin and Dan tonight so that should be fun or, at the very least, an excuse to leave the house. That's one thing about this whole mess. I never really left the apartment as it were, but he did. Often. He always had someplace to go or someone to see. Usually The Room, but nevertheless, it was somewhere to go.

Now, I don't really see the necessity. But I know I need to.

Right now I'm sitting in the bed, where I've been hiding out for the past 4 days or so, waiting for 10 p.m. to come which is when I'm meeting the boys for drinks. I need to do dishes, laundry, and clean but I don't really feel the motivation to do any of it. I'd rather sit here, collect my thoughts, and blog. :)

I wish I could construct my thoughts in a more eloquent and engaging way. But it all kind of spills out of me. And onto this computer screen or my journal. That's okay, right? It's okay to just...ramble. I think it's okay, anyways.

So I'm going to ramble - today I woke up at 10:30. Talked to Lisa and made plans for Wednesday night. I made a pot of coffee and drank it all. Smoked two cigarettes. Took a shower and actually put on makeup and blow-dried/straightened my hair. I got dressed and noticed that my clothes are fitting a little looser than they were, say, a week ago. Despite my rampant devouring of everything yesterday, the days prior to that I didn't have much of an appetite. Weird huh? Maybe not so weird. But sad.

I got to work and was pleasantly surprised that I was happy to be there. Getting my mind off of this tragedy was really wonderful, even if I hate my job. It's still something to do. I even considered picking up overtime this week. But I decided against it. I would still rather beach than work. Har har. I got off an hour and fifteen minutes early. Which is why I'm currently blogging and not still working. I ate two chicken patties (which are Justin's) and drank his Dr. Pepper. Even after this bullshit I'm still stealing his food. I'm terrible.

I want to talk to him and apologize. Just say that I'm sorry for everything and that I want to be his friend someday. Not now or maybe not even in a couple of months, but someday. Whether or not that will actually happen is beyond me. But I'm definitely not against trying. Friendship is a two way street and for him to accept my friendship is something that I cannot determine. In my perfect, Erin-centered world, I would get over the heartbreak and then move directly into friendship with him because he's a really cool guy. I'm not just saying that, either. He is genuinely an awesome man. I feel like our friendship could be something that I could cherish and love forever. But who knows when he would be over everything and if he even wants to be my friend after all of this. Considering my past with boys and boyfriends...they don't really want to have anything to do with me after the fact. But maybe this one will be different. Maybe. But I'm not banking on it, as sad as that is.

This week I've pretty much filled up with activities. Tomorrow I'm hanging out with Sarah, Wednesday - Lisa, Thursday - who knows but I'll find something to do, then Friday - New Year's Eve and I plan on spending it with Danielle and her boyfriend Toby. Maybe Courtney but she has a new boyfriend and I'm sure she'll probably want to spend it with him.

Then Saturday is New Year's Day and I hope that I feel strong enough to get things cleaned/Justin and I have come to some conclusion about the living situation. I haven't talked to him today and I won't.

I had a dream about him last night. We were driving and it was summertime. He handed me a large sum of money and then I asked him if he wanted to be my boyfriend. He said no. Then I woke up.

Sign?

The money part is clear -- I'm broke and scared about financially supporting myself while living in this apartment alone. If that's what he chooses.

The fact that he said no to my request for his 'hand' -- well, I don't know about that one. Is it me subconsciously regretting my decision to end things? Is he over it already? Were we never meant to be together in the first place? Shit, son. I may just be crazy.

He was beautiful and calm in my dream. Said 'no' very matter-of-fact-ly. But not in a mean way. Just a very clear, honest way. I wasn't sad after he said 'no' either. Maybe it's just me beginning my descent into closure.

For some reason though I don't see the closure coming any time soon. Especially once we finally see each other after all of this. It's going to open up wounds and tear apart all of my attempts of suturing up those wounds. It could all come unraveling. And I'm quite certain it will. Because that's the way things are.

Now I'm watching a spider circle my overhead light in my bedroom. Wondering who will kill that spider. Not him. Because he's not here anymore. I'll have to kill it. Goddamn it.

The spider is now on its second lap around the light. What the fuck is it doing? Waiting to feed on my flesh because I cleaned up its webs? Making a nest? Just trying to kill me? Fuck, who cares.

I just tried to kill it and failed. Now it's gone forever...ready to kill me at any moment.

Maybe part of loving is learning to let go.

So here I am in the midst of heartbreak. That sounded epically dramatic. But to be honest, I am pretty heartbroken.

I'm watching Dead Poet's Society. Eating carmel popcorn. Before that, I was eating ramen noodles. Before that, I was eating Easy Mac. And before that, I was eating the rest of the contents of my apartment.

I hope he won't mind me talking about it on the interwebs. I know that I tend to be pretty candid when writing, but I'll do my best to keep things as discreet as possible. Although I know that on my end, breaking up was necessary, it still hurts like a son of a bitch. I still love him. I love him so much. But it had to end. I won't go into graphic detail about every trifle and dying feeling but it needs to be stated that one can love someone and still need to end things. One of those silly, cliche quotes, 'sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same' idioms.

Our love story was unbridled to anything else in my life. It was beautiful and purposeful and extremely right. But it was right then. Not now. Now it is right for me to be alone. I crave autonomy. And I didn't realize this overnight. It took months before I put the realization into action.

I want to be clear and say that he is a person that is too good, if that makes any sense. Because when I cowardly broke up with him, he took my words as the end all, be all. He didn't get angry or place blame. He listened carefully to my horribly stated, inarticulate drunken mumblings and sobbings. And he responded with understanding. It goes without saying that (1) we shouldn't have been drunk when we broke up. And (2) it shouldn't have been done on Christmas Eve. I don't care what people say, but breaking up is harder on Christmas. It was the loneliest couple of days I've ever experienced. And I'm sure it was even harder for him.

The last couple of days have been a blur. When you're encapsulated with replaying the love story with your boyfriend and then, subsequently, the break-up...minutes, hours, days run together. Everything else seems silly. People and their mundane problems seem silly. Everyone seems horribly inane and retarded and I can't say that I didn't feel intense sorrow for my myself. I guess that's normal. But then there's the guilt. I thought again and again that I don't deserve to feel bad because I'm the one who broke up with him. But it's not true. Yes, I put the ball in motion, so to speak but I'm grieving him as much and he is grieving me. I'm sitting in this apartment that we shared together while he's out there doing whatever he wants to do. It is no longer any of my business. And that's really hard. I already miss texting him to ask him what he is up to. Calling him 'boy' and him calling me 'girl'. It's the littlest things that I never expected to miss, that I do miss. Those little, tiny memories that sneak up and bite you in the ass right when you think you've kicked the rest of them in the trash. I mean, I don't want to forget him, but it seems easiest to just try and forget for right now. Afterall, I have to go back to work tomorrow. I can't mope around, crying at the drop of a hat. I have to move on. I'm already getting sick of being so sad. I know that I'm going to continue to feel sad and hurt and guilty but I really need to get the crying under control. I mean, I'll be showering, washing my face, trying to avert my thoughts to something completely off topic and then this huge wail comes out of me. It's like a mix between a giant sob/weep and a yell. It's like my body and mind are so torn up that these barbaric sounds just come oozing out of me. It will probably be pretty funny in retrospect.

It also doesn't help that we haven't talked about the living arrangements, yet. He was supposed to come over (again) tonight. But he didn't. It's okay. I can't blame him. I would try and get a handle on my life before I came back, too. And I would absolutely avoid seeing me at all costs. Because that's what break-ups are: not seeing one another. It's just bizarre as fuck, going from seeing each other every day, essentially all day, to not seeing each other at all. And me, trying to initiate conversations about meeting up to speak about our future living plans and then getting delayed responses or empty promises about coming over. Again, I can't blame him but it still sucks ass. I mean, come on. I'm stuck here reliving all of these memories via your things while you're doing whatever you do.

They say that after a break-up, you go through stages. The first is grief, which I'm clearly still in since we broke up 4 days ago.

The second is anger...which funny enough I'm beginning to experience this emotion, as well. But mostly just because he won't come over to talk about things. I'm not asking for much, just a brief 5 minute chat. Frustration.

I'm sure I will go through this 'anger' stage more fully. I think everyone does. I think that you must in order to fully get over someone. You must remember why you broke up and most of the time, it's a disappointing thought. I know that my ex-boyfriends from the past definitely harbored intense anger from me. Huh, I never realized that before. Good to know.

Anyways, there's other stages but I can't remember them now. They don't really matter because more than likely, I'll feel them fully and ruthlessly. I am a women of emotion, after all. But I've been adamant about expressing the pain and emotion on paper. I've tried to talking to friends but it's hard for them to react right now. I don't even know where I'm at, so how should they? Plus, it's been Christmas. They've been trying, though. And it means a lot to me. :)

I've written a lot. I wrote out our love story on paper and ended it with our break-up. I signed it and I sealed it in an envelope. Kind of a physical means of ending it. It sort of helped.

I've been writing in my journal. I'm writing this right now. I've been talking to myself a little. I've been feeling a little more stable as things proceed.

One thing I found out is that my mother is not especially the best person to talk to about these things. Yes, I'm being a bit of a crabby bitch and yes, I'm on edge. She took one of my quips as a personal attack and verbally assaulted me in front of the the Orange Julius restaurant in the mall today. It was embarrassing. There were lots of people. That looks really cute, yeah? Getting berated by your own mother in line to get an Orange Julius? Not my most beautiful moment. And not hers either. She apologized in the car. I had her drop me off at home. It's just so overwhelming. I don't need her yelling at me when I'm getting an Orange Julius for Christ's sakes. Throw me a bone. My 21st Christmas sucked ass, ok? Yes, I'm the one who essentially brought all of this on myself. But it happened. There's nothing I can do about it. I can't take it back. I can just learn from it. I'm a wreck. But I'm still breathing. I'm a fucking cliche.

I'll attempt to report back soon on the the Life and Times of Erin C. Markey.

Blahssss.

So, it's been a while journal.

There is so much to catch up that I don't believe I can.

I'll leave you barren for now until I can catch a break with school.

:)

Easy does it.

Well since my last blog, things have gotten a whole lot better. I had to give myself a couple pep talks, write, read, and overall just reconnect with myself and others. I'm feeling pretty positive and now have two more days of work before I leave for the West coast.

This morning I met with Sarah and her boyfriend Jake over some coffee and grilled cheese sandwiches. It was so good to meet up with them. I love Sarah and she is always so funny and awesome to talk to. She lives in Omaha and will be taking my car while Justin and I are gone. She's also kind enough to drive us to and from the airport. : ) Love her.

Tonight is the Modest Mouse concert but I have opted not to go. It's $35 to go and I would rather save that money and just use it to buy a dress or something while I'm away. : )

After the concert I'm probably going to meet up with Sarah and Jake at Fryn' Pan before they leave for Omaha tomorrow morning.

I also plan on seeing Danielle before I leave. She's going back to Missouri for a couple weeks to get moved in to her new apartment. Exciting! Especially exciting because I'll be going down to see her the third week of August. YAY!

Tomorrow and Wednesday are days that I'm going to spend devoted to seeing friends, cleaning the house, and getting ready to go. There's not a whole lot to do but I really want the house to be clean so when we get back it's not terribly sickening. Haha.

Then...We'll be gone for a week on the trip I've been waiting for, for the last 6 mos.

Today I work from 3:30 to 7:30 and then tomorrow I work 3:30 to 6:30. Tough life, right? ; )

Hip hip Hooray!

See you when I get back. (!!!)

chipped beef

Well it's late Wednesday night/early Thursday morning and I really have no idea what to blog about.But I have decided to keep my word on posting once a week, albeit a day (or two) late.

I'm currently in a very melancholy mood, sitting at the apartment while the boy is out with his friends. I had a good day today filled with laundry, meeting with friends, and catching up on some shows that I watch from time to time.

Every summer around this time, I start to feel a small pinch "bored out of my mind". I'm trying to keep busy by reading, small amounts of writing, and mindlessly watching television. Really, I'm trying to keep busy until I leave for Portland. : )

There's been some animosity between friends and I feel kind of horrible about it, to be completely honest. I don't want to go into much detail because it's silly. I'm the kind of person that doesn't like to be in qualms with anyone. I like to keep the peace and feel horrible if I do anything to hurt anybody else.

But sometimes you just have to stand your ground. And if standing your ground means pissing someone else off, then so be it. What's that quote?..."It's better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for who you are not."...somethin' like that.

I'm just nostalgic for my relationships with friends and how they used to be. I know it doesn't do any good to live in the past and it definitely pays off to look forward to the future, but at this point it just makes me sad at how everybody seems to be drifting away.

But I guess that's what happens when you grow up and get real jobs and lives and invest time and energy into new people and places. I just didn't know it would happen so fast.

That's what's on my mind currently. Just growing up and apart.

On a side note, things with Justin are great. And things with most of my other friends are swell, too. Just a few little things that are bringing me down. : /

Could be worse. It could always be worse.

So Portland. You are a week away. I've been looking forward to you for 6 months so now that you're so close I don't even know what to do! It doesn't even feel real.

Well the next time I update I'll either be just about leavin

g for the land of ports or just coming back. : )

Seattle

Portland

For now I'm off to read before bed and catch-up with my boo. : )