Sparkling with wit, beauty and heartfelt wisom

I had the dentist appointment this morning and everything went really well. No cavities but I do have a cracked tooth and that's why one of my molars has been so sensitive to hot and cold. :( It's going to cost me a pretty penny, but I need to get it taken care of, eventually. Maybe not as soon as I'd like but hopefully within the next couple of months.

Since then I've gotten quite a bit of stuff done around the house. I did the dishes, changed the garbage, and showered. I even changed light bulbs in the kitchen and foyer area! I put away my laundry and put on makeup even though I probably won't leave the house tonight. The streets are apparently quite icy and I don't really want to do anything besides lay in bed, read, and watch Say Yes to the Dress.

I'm awesome, no?

I got a few of my textbooks in the mail today. I can't wait to read Their Eyes Were Watching God for my Later American Lit class. I can't believe that after this Lit class, I only have one more English class to take before I fulfill my English requirements. I'm kind of sad because Literature is my passion but I'm also excited to begin all of my education classes and then graduate and student teach! And then go into the Peace Corps and then do grad school and so on and so forth. I'm just really excited for this next semester to start.

The interim class that starts on Monday would be really exciting if it were a lecture class. I'm one of those weird ones who love to sit in class and lose myself in thoughts and notes and the professor's explanations and insights. I don't really like doing group projects or other things like that. This class I'm taking is going to be halfway in the classroom and halfway around Sioux Falls and the surrounding area. We'll be going to the Pavillion for an art exhibit, the Symphony, a dinner theatre, and so on. I love to do all of those things, but on my own time. I want to do those things with people I know and who appreciate it. Not a bunch of strangers. Who knows, maybe the class will surprise me.

Things on the break-up front are going better and better. I kind of felt lonely today and started to miss Justin because he usually had Thursdays off and we would hang out. Sadly, I was alone. I should really get out of the house because I'm feeling a little down. But I'm so tired. I didn't sleep well again last night and had to wake up early for the dentist. Plus, that would mean I would have to get dressed and go start my car to thaw it out of the ice block that I'm sure it's in.

Oh well. Tomorrow is New Year's so I'll definitely have no choice but to go out. For now, I'm going to eat some pizza and get under my covers, read, and watch this preposterous television show.

Ciao.

I don't give a good god damn

Today was a blah day.

I've started thinking about the New Year's resolution. Something I always attempt to do (like every other American) and end up failing miserably.

This year it's gonna be different.

Not because I'm going to succeed, but because I'm resolving to live fully. I'm gonna do what I want to do. And fuck the rest. So it's nothing in particular...just a new way of life.

Right now it's 1:36 a.m. and I have dentist appointment tomorrow. Bummer. I'm also watching Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. LOVE.

I'm tired but hate trying to fall asleep.

I went to dinner with Lisa and then to DQ for a Blizzard. Then to Lisa's house for a beer while we listened to Peter Yorn.

I'm really excited to have her in my life this semester. Since she graduated and will be living in Sioux Falls, I'll finally have a partner in crime that I enjoy. :)

I definitely have the blahs today. Nothing's wrong (except for the usual) or anything. I think it could be due to a few things:

1) My interim class starts on Monday

2) I'm constantly tired because sleeping has been difficult

3) It was cloudy today

4) I had to ask Justin to pay his share of this month's rent...even though he's not living here...and I broke up with him...and it's a fucking shitty thing to do. I will pay him back by the end of January, but still. It's not the most pleasant thing to ask of your ex-boyfriend who is probably trying to forget about your existence.

5) Did I mention I'm exhausted?

I also need to start studying for my Praxis II. Not exciting. I need to figure out the money situation for the next couple of months. I need to figure out something to do for New Year's. I need to sleeeeep.

I also want to hang out with all of my friends before they leave and go back to their college homes. I pretty much have seen everyone but it never feels like I see them enough while they're back. I know they have their own lives and people to see, but I just want to hang out with them and love them and stay here forever even though I know they can't. That is a separate kind of heartbreak that lives on, no matter how much time passes.

I need to stop chain smoking.

And casually drinking. It hurts my bank account and my tummy.

I need to finish this book.

I need to do the dishes (still).

I need to not have any cavities tomorrow at the dentist.

Good-night.

I killed that spider

He came over tonight. We talked. I cried. I'm staying in the apartment. He's off to live his own new adventure elsewhere.

I feel incredibly blessed to have been able to enjoy him in my life. I don't want to go into much detail about the happenings of tonight because I feel like a broken record. I was dreading seeing him again because of the unraveling it might have caused me. I did unravel a bit. I figured as much. Seeing your ex boyfriend for the first time after he becomes, well, the 'ex' is hard. But he was strong and sweet and understanding. I'm truly sad things didn't work out between us.

Although things are still hard and I'm only beginning to see the proverbial light at the end of this long, singular tunnel, I'm going to make a conscious effort to send him some love every time I think about him.

So, I'm currently reading Eat, Pray, Love. I began reading it about a month ago but had to put it down because of the internal struggle it was causing me. I got about halfway through the book and had to put it down because of the stress it was causing. Knowing that I needed to end things with Justin and reading a book about a woman who left her husband was hard. I am now just able to pick it up again. There is this excerpt in the book that is really interesting --

"...a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake."

I love this.

I don't want to date anyone again. I mean, not ever again, but not until I'm done with school and get into the Peace Corps. I feel like a year and a half isn't too terribly long to be single, especially being 21. I've never been the kind of girl to need to be in a relationship, but rather wanted to be in one because I love that companionship. I love to be loved. I love to love. But I want to receive that fulfillment through friends, family, and myself. I feel empowered with the realization of this. I want to work on myself from the inside out. Become a woman who is confident, who can stand on her own, and who can be balanced and loving. I want to be a better friend, daughter, family member, acquaintance, student. I want to get my shit together and have fun and go out and live life on my own terms for a while. I want to discover the power I have inside of me and the beauty I can possess and also see that beauty in other people.

This is a really difficult time for me, yes. But I can feel the electricity and excitement flowing through me. Not to say I didn't feel that before, but now it's actualized in a different way. I'm going to go out and learn the hard way. I'm going to learn to love myself as just myself and not as a connective piece to someone else.

So today was rough but necessary. I dreaded seeing Justin all day, had that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. And now it's over with. I am still alive, breathing, thinking about the future. Still the same little girl I've always been but now alone. By choice.

And I killed that spider. So fuck you, spider. I am woman. And I will prevail.

Fucking spiders

Ok so today went ten thousand times better than I originally planned it to go. No crying, no wailing like a banshee. Just calm. Guilt, yes. But calm. I'm going out with Corbin and Dan tonight so that should be fun or, at the very least, an excuse to leave the house. That's one thing about this whole mess. I never really left the apartment as it were, but he did. Often. He always had someplace to go or someone to see. Usually The Room, but nevertheless, it was somewhere to go.

Now, I don't really see the necessity. But I know I need to.

Right now I'm sitting in the bed, where I've been hiding out for the past 4 days or so, waiting for 10 p.m. to come which is when I'm meeting the boys for drinks. I need to do dishes, laundry, and clean but I don't really feel the motivation to do any of it. I'd rather sit here, collect my thoughts, and blog. :)

I wish I could construct my thoughts in a more eloquent and engaging way. But it all kind of spills out of me. And onto this computer screen or my journal. That's okay, right? It's okay to just...ramble. I think it's okay, anyways.

So I'm going to ramble - today I woke up at 10:30. Talked to Lisa and made plans for Wednesday night. I made a pot of coffee and drank it all. Smoked two cigarettes. Took a shower and actually put on makeup and blow-dried/straightened my hair. I got dressed and noticed that my clothes are fitting a little looser than they were, say, a week ago. Despite my rampant devouring of everything yesterday, the days prior to that I didn't have much of an appetite. Weird huh? Maybe not so weird. But sad.

I got to work and was pleasantly surprised that I was happy to be there. Getting my mind off of this tragedy was really wonderful, even if I hate my job. It's still something to do. I even considered picking up overtime this week. But I decided against it. I would still rather beach than work. Har har. I got off an hour and fifteen minutes early. Which is why I'm currently blogging and not still working. I ate two chicken patties (which are Justin's) and drank his Dr. Pepper. Even after this bullshit I'm still stealing his food. I'm terrible.

I want to talk to him and apologize. Just say that I'm sorry for everything and that I want to be his friend someday. Not now or maybe not even in a couple of months, but someday. Whether or not that will actually happen is beyond me. But I'm definitely not against trying. Friendship is a two way street and for him to accept my friendship is something that I cannot determine. In my perfect, Erin-centered world, I would get over the heartbreak and then move directly into friendship with him because he's a really cool guy. I'm not just saying that, either. He is genuinely an awesome man. I feel like our friendship could be something that I could cherish and love forever. But who knows when he would be over everything and if he even wants to be my friend after all of this. Considering my past with boys and boyfriends...they don't really want to have anything to do with me after the fact. But maybe this one will be different. Maybe. But I'm not banking on it, as sad as that is.

This week I've pretty much filled up with activities. Tomorrow I'm hanging out with Sarah, Wednesday - Lisa, Thursday - who knows but I'll find something to do, then Friday - New Year's Eve and I plan on spending it with Danielle and her boyfriend Toby. Maybe Courtney but she has a new boyfriend and I'm sure she'll probably want to spend it with him.

Then Saturday is New Year's Day and I hope that I feel strong enough to get things cleaned/Justin and I have come to some conclusion about the living situation. I haven't talked to him today and I won't.

I had a dream about him last night. We were driving and it was summertime. He handed me a large sum of money and then I asked him if he wanted to be my boyfriend. He said no. Then I woke up.

Sign?

The money part is clear -- I'm broke and scared about financially supporting myself while living in this apartment alone. If that's what he chooses.

The fact that he said no to my request for his 'hand' -- well, I don't know about that one. Is it me subconsciously regretting my decision to end things? Is he over it already? Were we never meant to be together in the first place? Shit, son. I may just be crazy.

He was beautiful and calm in my dream. Said 'no' very matter-of-fact-ly. But not in a mean way. Just a very clear, honest way. I wasn't sad after he said 'no' either. Maybe it's just me beginning my descent into closure.

For some reason though I don't see the closure coming any time soon. Especially once we finally see each other after all of this. It's going to open up wounds and tear apart all of my attempts of suturing up those wounds. It could all come unraveling. And I'm quite certain it will. Because that's the way things are.

Now I'm watching a spider circle my overhead light in my bedroom. Wondering who will kill that spider. Not him. Because he's not here anymore. I'll have to kill it. Goddamn it.

The spider is now on its second lap around the light. What the fuck is it doing? Waiting to feed on my flesh because I cleaned up its webs? Making a nest? Just trying to kill me? Fuck, who cares.

I just tried to kill it and failed. Now it's gone forever...ready to kill me at any moment.

Maybe part of loving is learning to let go.

So here I am in the midst of heartbreak. That sounded epically dramatic. But to be honest, I am pretty heartbroken.

I'm watching Dead Poet's Society. Eating carmel popcorn. Before that, I was eating ramen noodles. Before that, I was eating Easy Mac. And before that, I was eating the rest of the contents of my apartment.

I hope he won't mind me talking about it on the interwebs. I know that I tend to be pretty candid when writing, but I'll do my best to keep things as discreet as possible. Although I know that on my end, breaking up was necessary, it still hurts like a son of a bitch. I still love him. I love him so much. But it had to end. I won't go into graphic detail about every trifle and dying feeling but it needs to be stated that one can love someone and still need to end things. One of those silly, cliche quotes, 'sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same' idioms.

Our love story was unbridled to anything else in my life. It was beautiful and purposeful and extremely right. But it was right then. Not now. Now it is right for me to be alone. I crave autonomy. And I didn't realize this overnight. It took months before I put the realization into action.

I want to be clear and say that he is a person that is too good, if that makes any sense. Because when I cowardly broke up with him, he took my words as the end all, be all. He didn't get angry or place blame. He listened carefully to my horribly stated, inarticulate drunken mumblings and sobbings. And he responded with understanding. It goes without saying that (1) we shouldn't have been drunk when we broke up. And (2) it shouldn't have been done on Christmas Eve. I don't care what people say, but breaking up is harder on Christmas. It was the loneliest couple of days I've ever experienced. And I'm sure it was even harder for him.

The last couple of days have been a blur. When you're encapsulated with replaying the love story with your boyfriend and then, subsequently, the break-up...minutes, hours, days run together. Everything else seems silly. People and their mundane problems seem silly. Everyone seems horribly inane and retarded and I can't say that I didn't feel intense sorrow for my myself. I guess that's normal. But then there's the guilt. I thought again and again that I don't deserve to feel bad because I'm the one who broke up with him. But it's not true. Yes, I put the ball in motion, so to speak but I'm grieving him as much and he is grieving me. I'm sitting in this apartment that we shared together while he's out there doing whatever he wants to do. It is no longer any of my business. And that's really hard. I already miss texting him to ask him what he is up to. Calling him 'boy' and him calling me 'girl'. It's the littlest things that I never expected to miss, that I do miss. Those little, tiny memories that sneak up and bite you in the ass right when you think you've kicked the rest of them in the trash. I mean, I don't want to forget him, but it seems easiest to just try and forget for right now. Afterall, I have to go back to work tomorrow. I can't mope around, crying at the drop of a hat. I have to move on. I'm already getting sick of being so sad. I know that I'm going to continue to feel sad and hurt and guilty but I really need to get the crying under control. I mean, I'll be showering, washing my face, trying to avert my thoughts to something completely off topic and then this huge wail comes out of me. It's like a mix between a giant sob/weep and a yell. It's like my body and mind are so torn up that these barbaric sounds just come oozing out of me. It will probably be pretty funny in retrospect.

It also doesn't help that we haven't talked about the living arrangements, yet. He was supposed to come over (again) tonight. But he didn't. It's okay. I can't blame him. I would try and get a handle on my life before I came back, too. And I would absolutely avoid seeing me at all costs. Because that's what break-ups are: not seeing one another. It's just bizarre as fuck, going from seeing each other every day, essentially all day, to not seeing each other at all. And me, trying to initiate conversations about meeting up to speak about our future living plans and then getting delayed responses or empty promises about coming over. Again, I can't blame him but it still sucks ass. I mean, come on. I'm stuck here reliving all of these memories via your things while you're doing whatever you do.

They say that after a break-up, you go through stages. The first is grief, which I'm clearly still in since we broke up 4 days ago.

The second is anger...which funny enough I'm beginning to experience this emotion, as well. But mostly just because he won't come over to talk about things. I'm not asking for much, just a brief 5 minute chat. Frustration.

I'm sure I will go through this 'anger' stage more fully. I think everyone does. I think that you must in order to fully get over someone. You must remember why you broke up and most of the time, it's a disappointing thought. I know that my ex-boyfriends from the past definitely harbored intense anger from me. Huh, I never realized that before. Good to know.

Anyways, there's other stages but I can't remember them now. They don't really matter because more than likely, I'll feel them fully and ruthlessly. I am a women of emotion, after all. But I've been adamant about expressing the pain and emotion on paper. I've tried to talking to friends but it's hard for them to react right now. I don't even know where I'm at, so how should they? Plus, it's been Christmas. They've been trying, though. And it means a lot to me. :)

I've written a lot. I wrote out our love story on paper and ended it with our break-up. I signed it and I sealed it in an envelope. Kind of a physical means of ending it. It sort of helped.

I've been writing in my journal. I'm writing this right now. I've been talking to myself a little. I've been feeling a little more stable as things proceed.

One thing I found out is that my mother is not especially the best person to talk to about these things. Yes, I'm being a bit of a crabby bitch and yes, I'm on edge. She took one of my quips as a personal attack and verbally assaulted me in front of the the Orange Julius restaurant in the mall today. It was embarrassing. There were lots of people. That looks really cute, yeah? Getting berated by your own mother in line to get an Orange Julius? Not my most beautiful moment. And not hers either. She apologized in the car. I had her drop me off at home. It's just so overwhelming. I don't need her yelling at me when I'm getting an Orange Julius for Christ's sakes. Throw me a bone. My 21st Christmas sucked ass, ok? Yes, I'm the one who essentially brought all of this on myself. But it happened. There's nothing I can do about it. I can't take it back. I can just learn from it. I'm a wreck. But I'm still breathing. I'm a fucking cliche.

I'll attempt to report back soon on the the Life and Times of Erin C. Markey.

Blahssss.

So, it's been a while journal.

There is so much to catch up that I don't believe I can.

I'll leave you barren for now until I can catch a break with school.

:)

Easy does it.

Well since my last blog, things have gotten a whole lot better. I had to give myself a couple pep talks, write, read, and overall just reconnect with myself and others. I'm feeling pretty positive and now have two more days of work before I leave for the West coast.

This morning I met with Sarah and her boyfriend Jake over some coffee and grilled cheese sandwiches. It was so good to meet up with them. I love Sarah and she is always so funny and awesome to talk to. She lives in Omaha and will be taking my car while Justin and I are gone. She's also kind enough to drive us to and from the airport. : ) Love her.

Tonight is the Modest Mouse concert but I have opted not to go. It's $35 to go and I would rather save that money and just use it to buy a dress or something while I'm away. : )

After the concert I'm probably going to meet up with Sarah and Jake at Fryn' Pan before they leave for Omaha tomorrow morning.

I also plan on seeing Danielle before I leave. She's going back to Missouri for a couple weeks to get moved in to her new apartment. Exciting! Especially exciting because I'll be going down to see her the third week of August. YAY!

Tomorrow and Wednesday are days that I'm going to spend devoted to seeing friends, cleaning the house, and getting ready to go. There's not a whole lot to do but I really want the house to be clean so when we get back it's not terribly sickening. Haha.

Then...We'll be gone for a week on the trip I've been waiting for, for the last 6 mos.

Today I work from 3:30 to 7:30 and then tomorrow I work 3:30 to 6:30. Tough life, right? ; )

Hip hip Hooray!

See you when I get back. (!!!)

chipped beef

Well it's late Wednesday night/early Thursday morning and I really have no idea what to blog about.But I have decided to keep my word on posting once a week, albeit a day (or two) late.

I'm currently in a very melancholy mood, sitting at the apartment while the boy is out with his friends. I had a good day today filled with laundry, meeting with friends, and catching up on some shows that I watch from time to time.

Every summer around this time, I start to feel a small pinch "bored out of my mind". I'm trying to keep busy by reading, small amounts of writing, and mindlessly watching television. Really, I'm trying to keep busy until I leave for Portland. : )

There's been some animosity between friends and I feel kind of horrible about it, to be completely honest. I don't want to go into much detail because it's silly. I'm the kind of person that doesn't like to be in qualms with anyone. I like to keep the peace and feel horrible if I do anything to hurt anybody else.

But sometimes you just have to stand your ground. And if standing your ground means pissing someone else off, then so be it. What's that quote?..."It's better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for who you are not."...somethin' like that.

I'm just nostalgic for my relationships with friends and how they used to be. I know it doesn't do any good to live in the past and it definitely pays off to look forward to the future, but at this point it just makes me sad at how everybody seems to be drifting away.

But I guess that's what happens when you grow up and get real jobs and lives and invest time and energy into new people and places. I just didn't know it would happen so fast.

That's what's on my mind currently. Just growing up and apart.

On a side note, things with Justin are great. And things with most of my other friends are swell, too. Just a few little things that are bringing me down. : /

Could be worse. It could always be worse.

So Portland. You are a week away. I've been looking forward to you for 6 months so now that you're so close I don't even know what to do! It doesn't even feel real.

Well the next time I update I'll either be just about leavin

g for the land of ports or just coming back. : )

Seattle

Portland

For now I'm off to read before bed and catch-up with my boo. : )

Weep and Wonder

It's Tuesday. And it's absolutely GORGEOUS outside! But that's pretty much everyday, as of late. Summer brings out the best in Sioux Falls. Mmmmhmmm.

I've decided that I'm going to try to update at least once a week. Preferably every Monday or Tuesday.

Things are going swell since the last entry. I'm currently sitting inside the apartment, watching a trashy movie on Hulu and feeding my online shopping addiction. Except I'm not buying anything. Just looking tends to cure my need to shop. : )

I just started a new David Sedaris book, Naked. It is so delightful thus far. Just in Mr. Sedaris' style - hilarious and cathartic.

I got my first sunburn of the summer on Sunday when I was laying out with Danielle. And boy does it sting. I also have more freckles than ever. I think after all these years I'm finally starting to accept my freckles. They are unusual and I can't count the times in the past that I have wished for porcelain skin. But I 'spose that I should get used to them since they probably aren't going anywhere. Especially if I keep giving into my desire to bask in the sun.

I wish I had more interesting things to write about. Haha. Justin and I leave for Portland in two weeks. I can't wait. Now that it's so close I just want to leave now but of course I have some more working, reading, and planning to do before we climb on that plane. I just know that we won't want to leave. Maybe I won't leave...

Just kidding. I'll come back but I know that I'll leave Portland wishing that it was my home. As much as I love Sioux Falls sometimes I feel like I need to get out. I will finally get my chance. :)

I haven't done any painting in MONTHS. I was looking at some art the other day and realized that I need to get on that stat. I've also gone birding a few times this summer but nothing extensive. I think I mostly go for the peace it brings -- being out in nature alone.

I will leave with some art that I have recently looked at and leaves me feeling in awe. It's simple...but just how this summer makes me feel. :)

Loss of innocence. Classic. :)

I've been eating a lot of these lately.

Haunting.

Ich leibe ICE CREAM!

Coooool.

This fox would look good as a tattoo. : )

Hell yeah I love cake.

Definitely a celebratory summer.

I Cut Like A Buffalo

Well I can honestly say that this weekend has been full of surprises.

We went to a street dance in Hartford last night.

I don't like small towns. At all. They creep me out. And I always end up feeling like a jerk because I'm quiet and kind of shy at first and that turns people off real quick.

But it was fun. Kind of.

Everyone was drunk and then we stumbled upon a house party and just sort of mingled. My guard were still up because I was completely sober but I still had a somewhat fun time.

Today is a day for cleaning. Our apartment is a wreck if I have ever seen one. Ahhh.

I wanted to talk a little about my summer so far. More than I talked previously, anyways.

It's been good. Kind of weird because I'm not working that much and I have a lot of free time on my hands, which I have never had before. But at the same time, it feels like I never have time for anything. It's weird. I'm weird.

It's also hard to negotiate my time spent between my Sioux Falls friends and my O'Gorman friends. People end up getting mad one way or the other. And I fear hurting my Sioux Falls friends because honestly, I want to spend more time with my O'G friends. I said it. I never see them and I want to see more of them this summer. Sorry.

I've been keeping my personal journal updated but I can't say that I've written anything of much caliber, besides for two or three poems. And those aren't all that good.

I feel like I pushed my creativity and brain so far this past semester and I'm still reeling from it. But I kind of miss school. I miss that structure. Even though I hated it towards the end, I still miss seeing teachers and reading new things and waking up before 2:00 p.m. God.

Justin and I leave for Portland in 25 days. WHOA. I have a lot of saving/preparing to do. But I can't wait! We are both so excited and I can hardly wait to get out of Sioux Falls for a while. Christ, I can hardly wait to get out the midwest for a while. Thank godddd.

Happy Sunday.

Summatime time.

So it's been awhile since my last blog and I am going to write a little before I have to head to work. In about ten minutes. This'll be fast...

This summer is already going so fast. And it's so relaxing and fun.

I dropped my math class (whoops).

Turned 21. YAY!

Finished my semester off beautifully.

Spending time with friends (but wishes I could spend MORE time with them!)

Saving money for Portland...we leave in less than a month!

And reading/writing/birding.

I have slowed down my reading schedule lately and need to get back into it. I have to finish this book I've been on for about two weeks now. My goal of reading a book a week started out pretty great...and now I'm getting lazy.

Well...I foresee that I will blogging more later tonight/tomorrow and getting back into the swing of things.

Happy Friday!

In May days...

Two weeks left of classes?

Uh oh...

I have tons and tons to do! I plan on getting most of everything done this week and then doing a few tune-ups on last minute projects and so on next week. It's really crazy righ

t now and I shouldn't have put off as much as I did. But that's kind of how I work.

So I thought that I would blog a bit because I won't have time until after finals.

Ayyy carrumba.

It's really interesting because even though I'm busier than ever I am still going to Omaha on Sunday with my gal pal Hannah to visit Sarah, as she's getting back from the Dominican Republic and we're having a big party in honor of her arrival. It's almost more of an incentive because that way, I'll feel the need to get tons done before I leave. And then I can co

me back from a crazy night and hunker down on the remainder of the semester.

This past weekend was fun, as well. Liz and I had a girl's night, filled with shopping, food, talking, and wine. I haven't let loose in a really, really long time and it was much needed.

Now I'm compartmentalizing every minute of my days (and considering pulling an all-nighter or two) just to make sure I get everything done. It's boring to talk abou

t but I need to write about it to relieve some of my stress. Cuz believe me, there's a lot of stress.

I really cannot wait to be done with the semester and enjoy a beautiful summer with my friends, family, Justin, and everything else!

And this will be me, riding away from USF after my last final.

:)

Petals on a wet, black bough.

Currently: sitting in the apt, drinking a day old Coke, looking at cameras, dresses, and waiting for work.

So...I ended up talking to my manager at work. He so graciously offered me the chance to have every Wednesday and Thursday off from work. Needless to say, I obliged.

So I'll be working 2:00 - 9:00 on Mondays, 2:30 - 9:00 on Tuesdays and Fridays, and then have every other Saturday off. And as always, relishing my Sundays off, as well.

Yes, my paychecks will dwindle. But...some things are more important than money. And that includes sanity.

This new schedule begins this week and I cannot wait to get a bajillion things done on Wednesday and Thursday, including getting a very big start on my ten-page Shakespeare paper, figuring out my recitation for said class, reading in the sun, and just simply taking a chill pill. Ahhh. Breath of relief.

It is very, very rainy today. I love the way nature looks on cloudy, precipitative days. The green grass and trees are so poignant against a backdrop of gray. It's very relaxing (and somewhat lethargic). This week is predicted to be very gloomy which in some ways I loathe but in others I feel is a blessing. Simply because I get more things done when it's rainy outside and I don't have that constant distraction to sit in the sun and do nothing.

Another thing that I'll be doing is volunteering at the Refugee and Immigration Center. I don't know when I'll start but I'm very excited. Yadda yadda yadda I love cultures and people and blah. But I feel as if that's already a given. Also, it looks really good to the admissions at the Peace Corps. Hooray for moi.

Another thing on my list of to-do's is take the Praxis to get admitted into the school of education at USF. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't nervous. The reading and writing is not what I'm worried about. It's the math portion. My life always revolves around math. Christ. On that note, I have summer math school on the day AFTER my 21st birthday. Can we say, uh oh? Yeah, we can.

And then, alas, we have Portland.

Portland, I cannot wait to see you and frolic around your beautiful city on a bike, with my camera, and with my best friend.

He's very excited, as well.

I feel as if when I leave Sioux Falls for a place like you I'll never want to come back. And I might end up staying. Bahaha I won't but I'd like to. Somedays...I would really, really like to.

Thou nature, art my goddess.

So I received some marvelous news today.

I will be graduating a FULL SEMESTER earlier than what I planned on!

Although I love USF I don't particularly want to spend more time there than what I need to...ahem...with almost $20,000 a year in tuition, I think my choice is understandable. This is a huge deal for me. I thought that I would be an undergrad for 5 years. Now it's only 4 and a half. I'll take it, by god.

Also, my work situation is just not...well...working. They told me that my hours would be drastically cut. I thus made plans to move out of my apartment that I had worked so hard to live in. I was financially independent and that was important to me. Then...they didn't cut my hours.

Not only did I move OUT of my apartment (and INTO my boyfriend's) but I was planning on having some more time to focus on my studies. Well...they failed at cutting my hours. And now I'm feeling stupid to have moved/made plans accordingly.

I shouldn't be complaining because a lot of my friends are struggling to even FIND jobs. I, on the other hand, am struggling with this balancing act of work, school, and finding time for me.

So I have decided to change my schedule at work. I'm going to begin working 4:00 to 9:00 every day instead of 2:30 to 9:00. It doesn't sound like much, but trust me, that hour and a half could be half of a research paper or Act II of King Lear.

I'm feeling pretty relieved at my final decision. Even though there's only about a month and a half of school left, I need to focus and not be so scatter brained. I should have done this a long time ago. And next year will be even worse. I'm taking 2 extra classes then I usually take and I need to get my poop in a group, as they say.

Plus I'm in COLLEGE. This is the time to be poor. Duh.

Anywho. Had to vent. Funny because just yesterday I was saying how things were perfect. Jinxed myself on that one. :p

Monday, Monday, Monday.

Red Hot Drops

My lack of blogging is somewhat of a disappointment. Not to fear, I have some free time on this lovely Sunday afternoon and thus will blog my little heart out.

My life in the past couple of weeks has been comparable to a dream. Beautiful weather, changing my "fat kid" tendencies, and just enjoying myself. I'm relishing in this comfortable time because in just a few short weeks, my life will go from easy-going to full-on crazy. Finals. Final projects. 10 page research papers. The life of a double major. I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it a little. I do...I love being busy and surrounding myself with things I love. That's the craziest part...I am the biggest nerd I know. :)

I wish I had more to write about. More interesting topics to converse about. To my amazement, things keep getting better and better. It's good to be back.

I'm just so excited to start summer. I will be taking the dreaded summer school class from June 2 to July 2. Not too bad.

I thought that that this summer would really suck balls because I didn't think that any of my close friends from O'G would be here. But alas, Courtney, Corbin, Dan, and most everyone else will be in S.F. for the summer! The only thing that sucks is that Danielle will be in Missouri. :( I plan on making at least one trip to Columbia to visit her. Fer sher. :)

Things on the home front are loverly. Justin and I have been having fun in our little home and getting super pumped for Portland. 95 days until complete awesomeness. (!!!) I can hardly contain my excitement. I NEED to get out of here. I love Sioux Falls. I always will. My life is so beautiful here but sometimes you need to leave to gain more. Sometimes I feel like my creativity is stifled here. I'm a writer. A painter. Someone who thrives off of change. I learned long ago that change in inevitable. Instead of being scared, embrace it. Throw yourself into potentially frightening situations. They're often the most beautiful. Hence, most of my life.

I just got done walking with my mother. We talked a lot about my life. Where I'm going and what I'm doing. She's finally accepted that I'm going into the Peace Corps after college. It took her a long time. I understand her hesitation. It's a scary thought to live so far away for 2 and a half years from my family and the ones I love. But it's something that I feel will make me into the person I need to be. I've wanted to do this since I was 14. I didn't go out searching for it; it found me. This chance to give up my needs for others'. To become apart of something bigger than myself. It's a beautiful thing.

"slowly draining with no pain. sinking and drinking in a thick way"

Agenda for the week:

Work

Start research paper for Shakespeare (and everything else for that class)

Register for classes

Apply to the Education school

Basically get everything done that I need to, and then some.

But also...write, walk, talk, wine, read, play, paint, kiss, hug, love. Ya know, the most important stuff. :)

What a cute little fire escape/balcony. Mine?

Happy April ♡

This is the story of your red, right ankle

A small hiatus from blogging. I've been busy with being sick, working, reading mass amounts, and living. The usual.

I've made a decision to stop being a fat kid and start eating better. I've been going on walks with Liz and I'm trying to stop eating so many midnight snacks. Or, in my case, midnight meals. Haaa. I wish I were joking.

Nothing too drastic but summer is coming up and I don't want to be all worried about looking gross. It's silly and trivial but I'm a girl and I want to not grow out of my pants...width wise.

So we'll see. Habits are hard to quit but...I'll just try to make new habits. Healthier habits. Right? Right!

In other news, two days until Spring Break! Yahoo! Danielle is coming home and I'm very, very excited to see her. She's been a stable friend throughout most of my life, even though we've been about 8 hours apart for the last three years. I ruv her. We've decided not to go to Omaha, but to go to Kansas City towards the end of May to see Conan do a stand-up show. I LOVE CONAN. And I've never been to Kansas City. I say that's a better trip than Omaha. Fer sure.

I'm feeling the warmth

I've seen many rainy days lately

Quilts are one of my many obsessions

Some fly boots

Chan, I've loved you so many years. Be mine?

Happy Wednesday! Muahhhh.

Hey, I love you.

So tired today. Probably because I stayed up until 2 a.m. this morning...and overslept so I only had 1 cup of joe before heading off to class.

I got home from school at 11:30 today and just cozied right up to mister man, who was still fast asleep in bed. I laid there for a while but knew that if I were to nap, then I would feel even worse. I'm not a big nap taker. I often compensate for lack of sleep with coffee. I've been this way for years.

It's so comforting to just lay next to someone you love. The joys of co-habitating.

I love it thus far. I love having someone to share my day my day with even if it was sucky.

I love the little things and thoughts that we talk about right before drifting off to sleep.

He's so nice that he always comes to bed with me, even if it's before midnight.

Justin is a notorious night owl so for him to follow me into bed is so sweet.

I also loving little things like going to the grocery store together. And how we all too often sit on the couch and watch t.v. together for hours. And when we paint he is so inspiring and talented. I always complain that he's better than me. But really, he makes me want to do better and strive for more. I think that's a good quality to have in a relationship; inspiration and learning. And (I know this is silly) when we enjoy bottles of wine together, we laugh and take pictures and talk, talk, talk. Did I mention he also has amazing taste in music, film, photography, and literature?

And when we spend time apart, I love the stories we tell each other of the ordinary events that happened in our day. Well, I should say that my events are ordinary. His are usually pretty hilarious and awesome.

Oh, and he's smokin'.

This is gushy...but I just have to write about it. He makes my days. I mean, he's my best friend.

I hope he doesn't mind that I'm writing about him on my super popular blog. Haha (jokes). Sometimes it's just good to look at everything and write about it. And I like to write. And he's my topic today. : )

I never knew I could posses that fatal kind of charm.

Monday. Hmmmm. Always an interesting day.

I saw my Shakespeare professor and he told me that I did really well on my paper that I wrote. Phew! I was so nervous! But that was a really great way to start my week. Sometimes I psych myself out when writing about things that I love. I always want to convey some sort of air and usually end up flubbing it altogether. But I think that I'm starting to really hone in on my voice and what works for me and what doesn't. I'm very pleased. :)

This weekend was pretty good. I spend most of it sleeping mixed with a dinner for Courtney's birthday and random get-togethers with friends that are home for Spring Break. It's unfortunate that USF doesn't have Spring Break for another two weeks but that's okay because Danielle will be home from Missouri! I miss her a lot and I think we're going to go to Omaha (funds providing).

Despite the rainy, gloomy weather I'm feeling rather optimistic. For the next 5 weeks I have every Friday off because I'm volunteering at the Multicultural Center for their Native Reads program. Most everyone knows that I'm in love with Native American culture and this is a great opportunity for me to get involved and spend some time with the kids and their culture. I'm doing it for my Practicum for my Human Relations class. It's going to be a challenging, exciting, rewarding experience.

...and it doesn't hurt to have three-day weekends.

Everything feels so good right now. At this spot in my life. Every door that has been closed has been replaced with something even better.

For the better part of last two years I was investigating a lot in myself. I went through a lot of struggle with my identity and trying to find the right balance for a lot of different things in my life. I was growing. And it hurt.

I made a lot of mistakes and was really hard on myself for that. I'm finally starting to find my identity; my niche. I've made some headway and then again, I took a few steps backward in attaining what makes me happy and whole.

But it's all about the journey. I feel like everything I've done and am doing is going to help me in the future; as a friend, a teacher, a daughter, a student, and a writer.

It can be a lonely road to self discovery and being an artist in your work. But it's important and rewarding to investigate the inter-relationship between the forces within us and the forces pushing on us. Like, fighting for what you want and being selfish sometimes. Being crazy! Throwing caution to the wind and experiencing things that push you farther. Doing things you don't want to do because it's out of your comfort level. Being a little weird.

It's important to read and write. To be curious and to surround yourself with things that just plain make you happy. I like where I'm at. But I also can't wait to get further.

Justin takes really flattering photos of me. :)

I love them

Oh, Dan.

My little birthday girl

Mister mannn. :)

So hooray for the second week of March!

All is lush, all wild, all alive.

It's beginning to look a lot like...

SPRING!!!

Yes, oh yes it is. I woke up this morning to find it sunny, warm, and very very wet (with all of the snow/ice that's been melting). What a great way to start off March!

I've been getting antsy with this whole Spring thing looming and looking for some new clothing to wear to celebrate. It's a bit too cold now...but in a month or two, it'll be beautiful enough to wear gorgeous clothes and not be hidden under fourteen layers of long sleeved shirts, sweaters, and coats. Probably the most exciting thing for me EVER.

And of course I need to find the best Birthday Dress EVER. I have a habit of wearing a dress every year on my Bday. I don't generally wear dresses but when it's your birthday, you have every right to glam it up a notch.

Here are some options...

The first few are from Anthropologie and the last 4 are from U.O. I think they have some of the cutest dresses that are playful and age appropriate. I love flowers and anything that can kind of look granny-esque/50's housewife-y. I'm sure I'll find many more that I want. But these are what's on my radar right at this moment.

I'm also on the lookout for floral tanks that I can wear with cardigans. I'm so silly. But I can't help what I love. I'll be spending this weekend searching for said tanks. Yippee!

Back to the real world. I have two papers due this week and mucho grande amounts of reading. As per usual. Not to mention work, work, work. I get to work my old schedule, 2:30 to 9, everyday this week. I'm happy, but also a little burnt out from moving. I wish I had some extra time to spare but alas, I'm a working girl.

Also on the agenda:

getting a bird book/beginning my painting experiment

scheduling an eye appointment (and getting some new specs!)

laundry

tidying up the new pad

spending time with Court for her 21st!

SHOPPING

La de daaaa...

Just some things. Gotta run.

♡

March is an auspicious month...

I love this photo

Owls. ♡

Be-a-u-tiful

I need a kitty

Future tattoo??

I must live here

Will be purchasing this camera!!!

Such a lovely shot

Knicker knackers

I need. Hunter. Boots.

Birthday pinatas filled with sparkles? My dream come true.

Short post. It's Friday. I'm filled with love, Spring, and the thrill of being done with moving (almost). YAYAYAY!