I don't really know where to start. I mean, things are about the same. I've been feeling a little under the weather but I'm assuming it's been from this flu bug that's been floating around.
I've been really busy with class, too. Unfortunately I kind of hate it. There are things I like about it but also things I really, really don't like. It's the first time that they have taught this class at USF so we're kind of the guinea pigs. Things are out of order and sometimes I don't understand what the hell is going on. Not to mention the hassle of attending the symphony yesterday and then the damn dinner theatre today. The roads were terrible and the performance wasn't great. And feeling queasy and sweaty the whole time didn't help.
The upside to this lame class is that the week went by incredibly fast. I don't like interim. It's such a weird filler and January has never been the best month for me. I guess I'm just excited for February to start so I can start my semester and then finish and then enjoy summer.
I've talked to Justin a bit, too. We texted back and forth on Friday night which was a mistake because I was drinking and I think he was, too. Nothing weird happened or anything. I just think that it's too soon to start talking so casually. It made me confused. He's really honest with the way he's been feeling recently. I want him to be honest with me, but it's still hard to hear those things especially when I'm the one who made him feel that way. It's like I want to fix it, fix him. But I can't. It makes me second guess my decision even though deep down I know I did the right thing.
I really want to be his friend. That sounds so stupid. But it's like, I don't want him out of my life. Maybe that's selfish. I know it's selfish. I guess I just hope he wants me in his life, too. I just don't know if I'm ready yet. We'd have to start all over. From the beginning. Where we would have get reacquainted as friends and not as a couple. That takes a lot of strength that I'm just not sure I have.
I need to start writing poetry again. I need to get this all out. I tried the other day after class. The sun was shining and I got home early from learning about stupid things. It just hurt too much and my words seem so trite and unreliable. They don't seem as bright and powerful as they did before. I know I'll get the knack back, as soon as I find my footing. I need to paint and do yoga. Cut back on constantly chain smoking. Stop getting these terrible stomach aches and shakes, stop watching movies like Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. I'm better than this shit.
One of my professors for this class did say something the other day that really made me think. She asked us what our favorite new album of 2010 was. I couldn't think of anything. I hadn't really listened to anything new. I just listen to whatever has moved me in the past. She seemed offended that no one had grown in their musical taste. She asked us how we are ever supposed to grow if we're not allowing ourselves to be influenced by new things, even with small things like music. So I got some new music. I cleaned the kitchen to it tonight. It was cathartic and exciting. But a little scary. It's pretty sad that I'm scared to change the littlest things, like the c.d. in my car. But it was a first step.
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